A little reading

I have been reading books on the war that last few months. mainly books written about the families. Being on the Care Team here is something that I really want to do. Up until we moves here I was very active in everything. when we got here I was very pregnant and just didn't like the FRG. During the first deployment we bought a house off post and I kept to myself away from all the drama of the going on's. Our 1Sgt wife is the Care Team leader and I was asked if I wanted to be on it. I have a problem saying no. Anyway we have been doing our training and that has included role playing. It has been hard to do because you know it is not real. That brings me to reading the books. I just finished the book The Long Road Home. There were several pages in the book about the Care Team at Fort Hood being activated in April 2003 or better known as "Black Sunday" I cried through most of it but it really gave me an insight as to how the care team that goes into a move felt when they went in. I can pray that our Care Team here is never activated, but like my husband always tells me " I can tell myself that all my men will come home but I would be lieing to myself knowing that I will lose someone" I know cant even begin to tell him I understand how you feel and the burden that he carries.
We do not talk about the deployment. Not ever! Sometimes I really wish that he would. all I can do is say a prayer every minute of the day that when he is over there that he comes home to us. I find no comfort in the up coming deployment. I know no matter what I do to keep busy I wont deal well it all. Others my think and I have it all together and can deal very well with deployments. That I don't need others help and can do just fine. Little do they know what really goes on behind closed doors or at the end of the day when it is so very cold and very dark out. I cry myself to sleep, sleep that never really comes. I jump every time I hear car. I jump in the middle of the night when the phone rings. Waiting before I answer, thinking who in the hell would be calling at this hour, other then someone to say my husband has been hurt. Then after answering it hearing his every tired voice say "hi darlin" and then everything is okay for the time being......I still cant believe that in a few weeks he will not be at home, he will be other there.....