A little reading

I have been reading books on the war that last few months. mainly books written about the families. Being on the Care Team here is something that I really want to do. Up until we moves here I was very active in everything. when we got here I was very pregnant and just didn't like the FRG. During the first deployment we bought a house off post and I kept to myself away from all the drama of the going on's. Our 1Sgt wife is the Care Team leader and I was asked if I wanted to be on it. I have a problem saying no. Anyway we have been doing our training and that has included role playing. It has been hard to do because you know it is not real. That brings me to reading the books. I just finished the book The Long Road Home. There were several pages in the book about the Care Team at Fort Hood being activated in April 2003 or better known as "Black Sunday" I cried through most of it but it really gave me an insight as to how the care team that goes into a move felt when they went in. I can pray that our Care Team here is never activated, but like my husband always tells me " I can tell myself that all my men will come home but I would be lieing to myself knowing that I will lose someone" I know cant even begin to tell him I understand how you feel and the burden that he carries.
We do not talk about the deployment. Not ever! Sometimes I really wish that he would. all I can do is say a prayer every minute of the day that when he is over there that he comes home to us. I find no comfort in the up coming deployment. I know no matter what I do to keep busy I wont deal well it all. Others my think and I have it all together and can deal very well with deployments. That I don't need others help and can do just fine. Little do they know what really goes on behind closed doors or at the end of the day when it is so very cold and very dark out. I cry myself to sleep, sleep that never really comes. I jump every time I hear car. I jump in the middle of the night when the phone rings. Waiting before I answer, thinking who in the hell would be calling at this hour, other then someone to say my husband has been hurt. Then after answering it hearing his every tired voice say "hi darlin" and then everything is okay for the time being......I still cant believe that in a few weeks he will not be at home, he will be other there.....

1 Month 23 Days Until Boots in the Sand AGAIN...

M has been gone at NTC for what seems like forever. It has really only been about 3 weeks. Now that really isn't that long. The kids and I have tried to keep busy. I have been busy with care team meetings. I still wonder how I am going to do it if the time comes. I cant help but think it is going to be me who will need the care team. God I hope not!!! I still don't know how to deal with this up coming deployment. I just don't want to!!! I put up a good front to all that it is really not that hard and no big deal. Ya right.....

It has been a long time

Well M left for NTC 430am on the 4Th of July. This was all a flash back from the first deployment. I took him to the until about noon on the 3rd. Okay on big deal it is only for a month. It was a very long day with the kids. All the flash backs of hating having to be a single parent again. Now I know he had only been gone about 12 hours when I get a call about 11pm that night "guess where I am" the plane never left! It had broke down and they were all sitting in the bus on the runway waiting for it be fixed after a few hours when it couldn't they were all sent home for 4 hours. It was nice to have him home for at least a few hours again.

I know that this deployment is going to be HELL!!! I don't want to do it!!I don't want to deal with it. I don't have a good feeling about it!! I want m to come home!! I want to retire from the military and get on with life and normal life..well at least what ever normal is! I cant do the bath times, homework,weekends,household up keep on my own again. Yes I have done this a few times but I remember so clearly how it really was. Even though when ask oh yes we are fine it is not big deal. When really inside I am falling apart. I don't fall apart in front of the kids. I wait until they are all a sleep. UGH...UGH...UGH.. if I was a drinker I would have a drink...

If anyone reads this what do you do to deal with all this????

Not ageing well

To some it is too soon to saw that. In less than 2 months I will have been married and turn 35. Turning 35 is not big deal to me. I have a few friends that will be 30 and they are freaking out. It is the not ageing well that bothers me. I guess you can say that I have become comfortable. I never dress up, I don't wear dresses! I hate them. I don't wear makeup, lipstick what it that? I don't do my hair, yes it is getting gray. Frumpy that is me. T was born 4 years ago and I never lost the 60 pounds that I gained. I really want to be in shape again but just cant get my butt in gear to go to the gym. I go, I will go for awhile then someone gets sick and I get out of my routine and just never get back into going. I want to be able to walk into old navy and buy an outfit. I guess the old saying once you are in your 30's it is harder to get the weight off. I will say it I am a stress eater. I have bad days, but do try and eat good. Will the baby belly ever go away!!!! Crunches...ya right

Thankful Thursdays

I have lots of blogs that I like to read, mostly quilting blogs. Anyway there is one that I came across that she does a "Thankful Thursday" every week. So I am going to do the same. So here goes.... My list of thankful things

1. Matt is home from the field
2. This nasty cold is starting to go away
3. It is the first day of spring, I heard birds this morning!
4. Tomorrow is Friday
5. I wash is all done
6. None is the kids are sick!

Hope everyone has a Happy Easter Weekend!!

Care Team

Tonight is the start of all the unit FRG meetings about deployment. I hate going because they do not tell me anything new. But tonight I have to go because the CARE TEAM is being announced and I am on it. I have gone through all of the classes and have just one more to do. That one will be when a few spouses who lost their husbands come in and talk to us. Problem is I know both of them and one of them pretty well. I am not sure if I will be able to sit and listen to her. I still struggle a little about my choice to be on the care team. I have no problem going into a home and doing what needs to be done. My only fear is that it will be the team coming into my home. No matter how many classes we go through there is nothing that can prepair is to go through a door for the first time. Only time will tell how we all do with what we set out to do. I know that I will get a lot out of helping these wives. After 17 years of marriage and military I hope that I will be able to give them back even more. If there is anyone out there that has done this before how was it for you?

Well T and I are off to do stuff...

It's a Lonely'O Night

I have never been lonely when Matt has left for the field. I mean never. I have always liked the break. Not having to watch hunting and fishing shows. Getting to sleep on the right side of the bed. But when he left Sunday morning it really hurt and last night it was so quiet after the kids went to bed. No one to watch a movie with and eat popcorn.I know this is what I have to look forward to if you can call it that. With all the upcoming training and then the deployment. The last deployment was hard, but GOD GIVE ME THE STRENGTH to deal with all the day to day things with this one.