A little reading

I have been reading books on the war that last few months. mainly books written about the families. Being on the Care Team here is something that I really want to do. Up until we moves here I was very active in everything. when we got here I was very pregnant and just didn't like the FRG. During the first deployment we bought a house off post and I kept to myself away from all the drama of the going on's. Our 1Sgt wife is the Care Team leader and I was asked if I wanted to be on it. I have a problem saying no. Anyway we have been doing our training and that has included role playing. It has been hard to do because you know it is not real. That brings me to reading the books. I just finished the book The Long Road Home. There were several pages in the book about the Care Team at Fort Hood being activated in April 2003 or better known as "Black Sunday" I cried through most of it but it really gave me an insight as to how the care team that goes into a move felt when they went in. I can pray that our Care Team here is never activated, but like my husband always tells me " I can tell myself that all my men will come home but I would be lieing to myself knowing that I will lose someone" I know cant even begin to tell him I understand how you feel and the burden that he carries.
We do not talk about the deployment. Not ever! Sometimes I really wish that he would. all I can do is say a prayer every minute of the day that when he is over there that he comes home to us. I find no comfort in the up coming deployment. I know no matter what I do to keep busy I wont deal well it all. Others my think and I have it all together and can deal very well with deployments. That I don't need others help and can do just fine. Little do they know what really goes on behind closed doors or at the end of the day when it is so very cold and very dark out. I cry myself to sleep, sleep that never really comes. I jump every time I hear car. I jump in the middle of the night when the phone rings. Waiting before I answer, thinking who in the hell would be calling at this hour, other then someone to say my husband has been hurt. Then after answering it hearing his every tired voice say "hi darlin" and then everything is okay for the time being......I still cant believe that in a few weeks he will not be at home, he will be other there.....

1 Month 23 Days Until Boots in the Sand AGAIN...

M has been gone at NTC for what seems like forever. It has really only been about 3 weeks. Now that really isn't that long. The kids and I have tried to keep busy. I have been busy with care team meetings. I still wonder how I am going to do it if the time comes. I cant help but think it is going to be me who will need the care team. God I hope not!!! I still don't know how to deal with this up coming deployment. I just don't want to!!! I put up a good front to all that it is really not that hard and no big deal. Ya right.....

It has been a long time

Well M left for NTC 430am on the 4Th of July. This was all a flash back from the first deployment. I took him to the until about noon on the 3rd. Okay on big deal it is only for a month. It was a very long day with the kids. All the flash backs of hating having to be a single parent again. Now I know he had only been gone about 12 hours when I get a call about 11pm that night "guess where I am" the plane never left! It had broke down and they were all sitting in the bus on the runway waiting for it be fixed after a few hours when it couldn't they were all sent home for 4 hours. It was nice to have him home for at least a few hours again.

I know that this deployment is going to be HELL!!! I don't want to do it!!I don't want to deal with it. I don't have a good feeling about it!! I want m to come home!! I want to retire from the military and get on with life and normal life..well at least what ever normal is! I cant do the bath times, homework,weekends,household up keep on my own again. Yes I have done this a few times but I remember so clearly how it really was. Even though when ask oh yes we are fine it is not big deal. When really inside I am falling apart. I don't fall apart in front of the kids. I wait until they are all a sleep. UGH...UGH...UGH.. if I was a drinker I would have a drink...

If anyone reads this what do you do to deal with all this????

Not ageing well

To some it is too soon to saw that. In less than 2 months I will have been married and turn 35. Turning 35 is not big deal to me. I have a few friends that will be 30 and they are freaking out. It is the not ageing well that bothers me. I guess you can say that I have become comfortable. I never dress up, I don't wear dresses! I hate them. I don't wear makeup, lipstick what it that? I don't do my hair, yes it is getting gray. Frumpy that is me. T was born 4 years ago and I never lost the 60 pounds that I gained. I really want to be in shape again but just cant get my butt in gear to go to the gym. I go, I will go for awhile then someone gets sick and I get out of my routine and just never get back into going. I want to be able to walk into old navy and buy an outfit. I guess the old saying once you are in your 30's it is harder to get the weight off. I will say it I am a stress eater. I have bad days, but do try and eat good. Will the baby belly ever go away!!!! Crunches...ya right

Thankful Thursdays

I have lots of blogs that I like to read, mostly quilting blogs. Anyway there is one that I came across that she does a "Thankful Thursday" every week. So I am going to do the same. So here goes.... My list of thankful things

1. Matt is home from the field
2. This nasty cold is starting to go away
3. It is the first day of spring, I heard birds this morning!
4. Tomorrow is Friday
5. I wash is all done
6. None is the kids are sick!

Hope everyone has a Happy Easter Weekend!!

Care Team

Tonight is the start of all the unit FRG meetings about deployment. I hate going because they do not tell me anything new. But tonight I have to go because the CARE TEAM is being announced and I am on it. I have gone through all of the classes and have just one more to do. That one will be when a few spouses who lost their husbands come in and talk to us. Problem is I know both of them and one of them pretty well. I am not sure if I will be able to sit and listen to her. I still struggle a little about my choice to be on the care team. I have no problem going into a home and doing what needs to be done. My only fear is that it will be the team coming into my home. No matter how many classes we go through there is nothing that can prepair is to go through a door for the first time. Only time will tell how we all do with what we set out to do. I know that I will get a lot out of helping these wives. After 17 years of marriage and military I hope that I will be able to give them back even more. If there is anyone out there that has done this before how was it for you?

Well T and I are off to do stuff...

It's a Lonely'O Night

I have never been lonely when Matt has left for the field. I mean never. I have always liked the break. Not having to watch hunting and fishing shows. Getting to sleep on the right side of the bed. But when he left Sunday morning it really hurt and last night it was so quiet after the kids went to bed. No one to watch a movie with and eat popcorn.I know this is what I have to look forward to if you can call it that. With all the upcoming training and then the deployment. The last deployment was hard, but GOD GIVE ME THE STRENGTH to deal with all the day to day things with this one.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A MILITARY WIFE IF...

...you can unpack a house and have everything in place in 48 hours....
...you string concertina wire to keep the neighbor's kids out of your flower beds
...your husband's work and dress clothes cost more than yours do
....you've changed more oil and mowed more lawns than your husband because he's never there to do it himself
....you use a crook-neck flashlight with a red lens during power outages because it's the only one you can ever find in the house
....your children say "hooah" or "roger that" instead of "ok"
....your husband does a route recon and takes a GPS for a trip to the mall
....you only write in pencil because EVERYTHING is subject to change
....you need a translator to talk to your civilian friends, because they have no idea what DFAS, AER, TDY, ACS, NPD, PCS, and ETS mean
....you have a larger selection of curtains than Wal-Mart does
....you can remember where you kept the Scotch tape in your last house, but unfortunately, not in this one
....you mark time in duty stations, not years
....you refer to friends not only by name but by the state that they live in
. ...you know that "back home" doesn't mean at the house you live in now
....you tear up when you hear "Proud to Be An American," even though you've heard it 50 times by now
....you know that a 2 month separation IS short, no matter what your civilian friends say
....you ALWAYS know when payday is and get ticked off if there are more than 2 weekends during that pay period
....you know better than to go to the PX or commissary between 11:30 and 1:30 unless it's a life or death emergency
....you show your military ID to the greeter at Wal-Mart
....you know that any reference to "sand" or a "box" has nothing to do with your kid's backyard toys
....you know that "Ft. Puke" is a completely accurate description of any military base you are currently at
....you find yourself explaining your husband's LES to him
....you don't have to think about what time 21:30 is....you've ever been referred to as "Household 6"
....you're the TC, not a backseat driver
....you start ripping open MREs and looking for the M&Ms when you run out of Halloween candy
....you can't remember the last time you saw a doctor who wasn't wearing ACUs
....you've ever had a pet named Scout, Ranger or Sergeant
....the local dry cleaner knows you by your first name
....it only cost you $25 to have a child
....you find that a large number of your clothes and household items are olive drab or loam, even though you never planned it that way
....you pick apart uniforms on TV and in the movies, even though you used to yell at your husband for doing the same thing
....you know what "pogey bait" is and which kinds everyone in your husband's platoon prefers
....you wish you could go to CIF to DX your old stuff like your husband can
....you've learned to sleep through the sounds of tanks, planes, helicopters and artillery simulators
. ...you give your kids a hand receipt when they take your Tupperware to school
....you can hate military life but be terrified to leave it all in the same breath
....you defend your lifestyle no matter how bad things get because you know there's no other life for you! AND WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR THE WORLD!

Question for those with children

This is for anyone who as children 10 to 14 and has gone through deployment. How did you as a parent deal with your child during the second deployment? was your child different this time from the first time? Our daughter is 12 and yes there is the dealing with the girl and the pre-teen, but she the other day just did a 180 on me and will have nothing to do with me. I am the bad guy when it comes to school and everything else. She runs to dad now. something she never did before. I am just at a loss as how to turn her around. dad will be in the field for 2 weeks so and then go most of the summer before deployment in the fall. any advice you can give on pre-teens and girls would be great!

out of no where

Lastnight after the kids went to bed out of no where dh asks if I would leave if he lost a body part or had something else wrong. all I could say was that is a stupid question. One of the guys he works with was hurt pretty badly and one day they talked about his time in Walter Reed. All the stories of wives just walking out. Dh never talks about stuff like this. So I was a little taken back. I could not, would not leave if something were to happen. I told him that there are 3 things that can happen 1.you come how safe and sound 2. you are hurt 3. death. I much rather deal with 1 and 2 out of the 3.

Just another Tuesday

L came over for coffee Monday and said that they are going to be heading out sometime in July. I dont blame them but WTF do I do now! So I thought okay I will just set the house up for the winter have someone come in and make sure all is working and see if we can stay with my brother and sister-in-law in the fall for the school year. Okay that is just nuts I cant leave my house for 9 months, move the kids to a new school just for 1 year. It really makes me made that none of our family gets the stress of deployment muchless even tries to understand it and asks can they help or even come up here for a visit. But that will never happen in 17 years family has only come to visit, 7 times. See I have this weird thing that during a deployment I CAN NOT leave the state because something might happen. I have many other daily little strange things that I do when dh is deployed. I told the kids that we would fly down to see family this coming christmas because last time dad was gone no one came to for christmas and it was the worst day. All 3 of our wonderful children were just rotten on christmas. And of cousr the dark of the long winter does not help. I love alaska but I only like may through september. I can deal with the cold but the dark can get to be to much when it is just the kids and me.
I guess only time will tell as the end of summer comes around and dh leaves. I am really hoping that he is put on rear-d, even thought the chance of that is none. So I hope that he gets moved back to the talk and wont be out doing missions. Lets just hope that the next 6 months drag by ever so slowly!!

not really a love story

Okay so we dont have that great love story. We met in 1989. DH joined the army so that we could get married. In 1991 he went of to basic and left me in tears. 5 months later we were married and 2 weeks later he was headed for germany then the middle east.. I didnt see him for 9 months. Our love has been tested and tested time and time again in the last 17 years. After trying for a few years we had our beautiful daughter in 96. He was promoted and left for korea when she was 3 months. In 98 he was promoted and our little boy was born. Yes he left again when our son was 3 months for Bosnia. Our 3rd little one was born in 03. We never thought about having more children so he is what we call "dad just got off the 24 months drill trail". When he was 3 months dad left once again for training for deployment to middle east and yes promoted again. Okay so there is something about us having kids and him leaving and gettting promoted. No more kids! I love my husband dearly. He is my best friend.

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Feeling a little down today

I just do not have a good feeling about this deployment. The last time DH went I was scarred and worried every second of the day, yet I knew that he was coming home. This time I have a fear so deep that I cant stand to have him out of my sight when he is at home. I have to call him way to many times during that day. I try, oh how I try to not think about the WHAT IF's, but it is always there. Now that L wont be here I dont want to either but have to. I dont know how I am going to get through this with out her. We dont live on post and the few people around us are not military. Selling our home, oh now I wish we would have stayed on post. I know when the time comes for DH to leave the kids and I will get through it all once again we always do. Even with the price we pay we have come out okay.

I just wish this uneasy feeling would go away!!

WarTime Prayer

Dear Lord, Lest I
continue My complacent
way, Help me to remember that
somewhere, somehow
out there A man died for me today. As long as
there be war, I then must ask and answer
Am I worth dying for?

Eleanor Roosevelt

First Journal

I am starting this as my deployment journal and to meet new friends going through the same things. Even thought we have 7 months before deployment. I am having a very hard time dealing with it this time around. I know it is coming and I know what goings on while he is there and that is why it consumes my very thought.